Heartsick over the ol' ball coach

Metamucil fails to help. Bayer aspirin gives the same results. Viagra never helps. Neither do its cousins.

Chicken soup -- oy! -- takes care of the sniffles, but nothing else.

"What's the problem, Dr. Hawkeye?" the patient asks.

"Let me have Hot Lips give you a heart scan," the doctor answers.

After a blood test and x-rays, the illness finally is discovered.

"You have something serious," the doctor says. "You have a terrible case of Spurrier-itis. It seems to be a virus that occurs mostly in Florida -- especially in Gainesville, Lake City, Ocala and Jacksonville."

The doctor wipes his brow.

"I can't understand it, though," he mutters. "There are very few cases in Tallahassee."

Do you miss Steve Spurrier the way many college football fans do? If so, you may have Spurrier-itis.

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Beano Cook

College Football

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Carroll H. "Beano" Cook joined ESPN in March 1986 and served as a college football studio commentator and occasional sideline reporter, in addition to offering college football commentary on ESPN Radio. He died in October 2012.