By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

If you missed part 1 of the Billy Awards, highlighting the worst Hollywood had to offer in 2001, click here to view the winners in some of the minor categories.

Tim Robbins
Tim Robbins mailed in his performance opposite Ryan Phillippe in "AntiTrust."

Now, on to the major awards...

The Robert DeNiro Award (most glaring case of an actor obviously needing a big-budget role to pay off a mortgage)
Runners-Up: The entire cast of "Rat Race"; Alec Baldwin ("Pearl Harbor"); Robert DeNiro ("15 Minutes"); John Travolta ("Domestic Disturbance"); James Woods ("Scary Movie 2").

Winner: Tim Robbins for "AntiTrust." It's worth renting just to see Robbins mailing in every scene. Highest of high comedy. You could almost imagine him showing up on the set at 9 a.m. sharp and screaming at the production people, "Make sure those cue cards are written in block letters! Block letters! You hear me?"

The "Coyote Ugly" Award (most enjoyable bad movie)
Runners-Up: "Rat Race"; "Hardball"; "Jeepers Creepers"; "Legally Blonde."

Driven
Nothing was better than seeing the aging Burt Reynolds, left, and Sylvester Stallone chase the kids in "Driven."

Winner: "Driven." Just the chance to see Sly Stallone and Burt Reynolds on the same screen ... even though they both look so old, it seems like Sly is wearing a Sly Stallone mask and Burt is wearing a Burt Reynolds mask. Un-BEEEEEE-leeevable. This one might warrant its own column at some point.

The Keanu Reeves Award (most notable performance in a part that should have been offered to Keanu Reeves)
Runners-Up: Freddie Prinze Jr ("Summer Catch"); John Cusack ("America's Sweethearts"); Heath Ledger ("A Knight's Tale"); Ethan Hawke ("Training Day"); Tom Cruise ("Vanilla Sky").

Winner: Paul Walker for "Fast and the Furious," which was actually a regurgitation of "Point Break" (only with cars). All we were missing was a scene where Walker screamed, "I am an EFF... BEE... EYE... AGENT!"

The Will Smith in "Bagger Vance" Award (worst-written role that was inexplicably accepted by a name actor or actress)
Runners-Up: Jim Carrey ("The Majestic"); Angela Bassett ("The Score"); Julia Roberts ("The Mexican" and "America's Sweethearts"); The Last Castle ("Robert Redford").

Jennifer Aniston, Mark Wahlberg
After watching Jennifer Aniston in "Rock Star," one has to wonder if the "Friends" star even has an agent.

Winner: Jennifer Aniston for "Rock Star." Even Lauren Holly would have turned down "Rock Star," especially when she heard the words, "Yeah, we just signed Mark Wahlberg to play the singer!" Does anyone have a worse agent than Aniston (with the possible exception of Amanda Peet?). Shouldn't she be one of five most successful movie actresses in Hollywood or am I crazy?

The "You Got Mail" Award (most humiliating chick flick for any boyfriend to attend)
Runners-Up: "The Wedding Singer"; "Serendipity"; "America's Sweethearts"; "Someone Like You"; "Kate and Leopold."

Winner: "Riding in Cars with Boys." Um, not that I'd know or anything ... um...

The Julia Roberts in "Mary Reilly" Award (most disorienting appearance by an actress who's normally hot
Runners-up: Jennifer Aniston ("Rock Star"); Julia Roberts ("America's Sweethearts"); Tara Reid ("American Pie 2"); Gwyneth Paltrow ("Shallow Hal").

Winner: Helena Bonham-Carter ("Planet of the Apes"). And here's the weird thing: She was dressed up as an ape ... and yet there was something strangely attractive about her. Does this mean I'm attracted to apes in general, or just Helena Bonham-Carter playing an ape? Let's just move on.

Helena Bonham-Carter
Helena Bonham-Carter caught The Sports Guy's eye in the awful "Planet of the Apes" remake.

The Matthew McConaughey and Jodie Foster in "Contact" Award (worst on-screen heat for a couple)
Runners-Up: Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore ("Hannibal"); Frances McDormand and James Gandolfini ("The Man Who Wasn't There"); John Cusack and Julia Roberts ("America's Sweethearts"); Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron ("Sweet November"); Penelope Cruz and everybody.

Winners: Helen Hunt and Woody Allen ("Curse of the Jade Scorpion"). Maybe the funniest romantic pairing in Hollywood history, at least since last year, when Hunt was lighting anti-sparks with Kevin Spacey in "Pay It Forward." Thankfully in "Jade Scorpion," she didn't wear a white T-shirt in the rain just to steam up the screen. And it was a stretch back in the 1970s when Woody was landing babes ... now he's legitimately in his mid-60s. Please, Woody. No more. We're begging you.

The "Crash" Award (movie that would have been much better if they just made it a porn flick)
Runners-up: "Saving Silverman"; "Snatch"; "Heartbreakers"; "Josie and the Pussycats"; "Save the Last Dance."

Winner: "Vanilla Sky," which also captured the 2001 "Flintstones" Award (worst idea for a remake) and the "Harlem Nights" Award (most incomprehensible movie that obviously had scenes re-filmed and added in after the initial test screenings). A very well-done, utterly confusing, incoherent piece of crap.

The best part was watching Tom Cruise and director Cameron Crowe promoting the bejeezus out of this thing... it's like they were the last two people who didn't realize that the movie stunk. At least if they made this a porn movie, Penelope Cruz could have been battling Jewel DeNile and Anita Blond for a Best Actress trophy at this spring's AVN Awards.

Penelope Cruz, Tom Cruise
Penelope Cruz isn't an actress by trade ... and it showed in "Vanilla Sky."

The "Judge Dredd" Award (worst blockbuster) Runners-up: "Jurassic Park III"; "Collateral Damage"; "Mummy 2"; "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider."

Winner: "Planet of the Apes." Just a blah movie. Hey, I loved "Boogie Nights" as much as anybody, but Mark Wahlberg fell into that Dirk Diggler role -- right guy, right place, right time. Doesn't mean he should be heading big-budget action films, by any stretch of the imagination. And just for the record, "Apes" would have been an enormous hit with Vin Diesel in the Heston role. I'm dead-serious. He would have knocked that out of the park.

The Julia Roberts in "My Best Friend's Wedding" Award (best cinematic evidence that women are completely insane)
Runners-up: Cameron Diaz ("Vanilla Sky"); Reese Witherspoon ("Legally Blonde"); Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones ("America's Sweethearts"); Monica Potter ("Head Over Heels").

Winner: Jennifer Lopez ("The Wedding Planner"). Hey, it's another conniving, desperate woman in her early-30s who's pulling no stops to land a husband! Just shoot me. Shoot me in the head.

The Jennifer Aniston in "Picture Perfect" Award (best acting by a pair of breasts)
Runners-Up: Kirsten Dunst ("crazy/beautiful"); Renee Zellweger ("Bridget Jones's Diary"); Jessica Biel ("Summer Catch"); Angelina Jolie ("Original Sin"); Katie Holmes ("The Gift"); Uma Thurman (2002 Oscars Telecast); Jennifer Love-Hewitt ("Heartbreakers"); Denise Richards ("Valentine"); Ali Larter ("American Outlaws"), Estelle Warren ("Planet of the Apes").

Halle Berry
No guy wanted to leave the theater before Halle Berry's big scene in "Swordfish."

Winner: Halle Berry ("Swordfish"). A groundbreaking film where a topless scene actually overshadowed everything else that happened in the movie. This needs to happen more often. You could feel the tension in the theater, too -- every guy in the theater was afraid to leave, because they didn't want miss the scene. They should have just announced before the movie, Attention: Halle Berry will take her top off 52 minutes and 20 seconds into this movie!

The Dermot Mulroney Award (worst performance by a lead actor in a major film)
Runners-Up: Matt Damon ("Ocean's Eleven"); Nic Cage ("Captain Corelli's Mandolin"); David Spade ("Joe Dirt"); Ben Affleck ("Pearl Harbor"); Vince Vaughn ("Made"); Tom Green ("Freddy Got Fingered"); John Travolta ("Swordfish"); Ed Burns ("Sidewalks of New York").

Winner: Kip Pardue ("Driven"). A career-ending performance. You might remember Pardue as the blonde, fun-loving QB in "Remember the Titans"; in "Driven," he plays a hot-shot driver who can't be tamed by Stallone. He's beyond overwhelmed; the Byung Hyun-Kim Face comes out within the first 20 minutes.

The Sofia Coppola Award (worst performance by a lead actress in a major film)
Runners-Up: Julia Stiles ("Save the Last Dance"); Julia Roberts ("The Mexican"); Amanda Peet ("Saving Silverman"); Jennifer Love-Hewitt ("Heartbreakers"); Colleen Haskell ("The Animal"); Liv Tyler ("One Night At McCool's"); Julianne Moore ("Hannibal"); everyone in "Josie and the Pussycats"; every performance by Penelope Cruz.

Winner: Mariah Carey ("Glitter"). There simply are no words.

The "Magnolia" Award (longest, most unbearable movie)
Runners-Up: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"; "The Last Castle"; "Hannibal"; "Vanilla Sky"; "Pearl Harbor"; "Blow"; "15 Minutes."

Mariah Carey in
There are simply no words to describe Mariah Carey's performance in "Glitter."

Winner: "Artificial Intelligence." When I saw this in the theater, everyone filed out afterward like we just watched a death row execution. Not good times. If that wasn't bad enough, I blacked out for about 90 minutes during this movie -- I woke up covered in Sour Patch Kids and Diet Coke. Honorable mention to "15 Minutes," which actually caused a fight between me and the Sports Gal because it was that dreadful (she blamed me for renting it; shouting ensued).

The "Showgirls" Award (worst movie of the year)
Runners-up: "Sidewalks of New York"; "Saving Silverman"; "Vanilla Sky"; "Hannibal"; "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"; "Freddy Got Fingered"; "3000 Miles to Graceland"; "Josie and the Pussycats"; "Made"; "Rock Star."

Winner: "Glitter." Man. Tough category. "Sidewalks" basically ended Ed Burns' career as a star/director. "Made" made it impossible for "Swingers 2" to happen in this lifetime. "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" was the final nail in the coffin for "Nic Cage, A-List Star." "Saving Silverman" was one of the five or six worst comedies of all-time and sent Amanda Peet free-falling towards Skin-e-Max. "Vanilla Sky" was a colossal misfire on every level (and still made $100 million!).

"Hannibal" was just watchable enough that it gets a pass (although I thoroughly hated every minute of it). "Graceland" ended the "Elvis impersonator" movie gimmick as we know it. "Rock Star" was one of those rare movies that didn't appeal to any specific age group or demographic. And I still can't believe "Josie and the Pussycats" was even green-lighted, but expectations were so low for that one, you can't really complain there.

So that leaves "Freddie" and "Glitter." "Freddie" was painful. Fingernails-scraping-the-chalkboard painful. So gruesome that you almost think Tom Green made it that gruesome intentionally, like he was the only person in on the joke (I wouldn't put it past him).

On the other hand, everyone was trying in Glitter, and it turned out like "Showgirls" ... only without the sex and the unintentional comedy. This was a movie so gawd-awful that Mariah Carey suffered a quasi-breakdown within days after seeing it (or so the legend goes). You honestly can't believe it's happening as it's happening. I would almost recommend it, just for comedy's sake. So "Glitter" gets the most coveted Anti-Oscar. Until next year.

Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.



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