By Nick Bakay
Page 2

I believe I speak for thinking and feeling men everywhere when I say, "It's time for Anna Kournikova to be better!"

But until that fine day, a sad tradition continues: Men eagerly usher their wives off to the mall, then hunker down for a lusty afternoon of women's tennis, only to see the best thing to happen to the game since visible panties ... get eliminated.

Now what? Channel hop over to Showtime in the hopes of catching the last 20 minutes of a women's prison movie? Check E! for "Behind the Scenes: XFL Cheerleaders"?

The odds are you'll be stuck with a free afternoon and nothing worthy of filling the hole in your heart left by a naughty girl with a bad case of the first-round yips. You can't even say, "We still have Paris."

So, it's time to sift through the carnage of what might have been: The French Open with Anna vs. The French Open without her -- let's see how they stack up at The Tale of the Tape ...

French Open: With Anna vs. Without Anna
Category	Without Anna	With Anna	Advantage
Audience demographics	A smattering of country clubbers	Every American male who doesn't suffer from glaucoma	With
If you listen closely, you can hear the viewers mutter	"What, now I have to learn the rules of the game?"	"Who's your daddy?"	With
Surrender	You have no reason not to accompany your wife to see "The Vagina Monologues." Again.	You have a new appreciation for the concept of mixed doubles.	With
How rival networks counter-program the time slot	"Our Bodies, Ourselves -- the Movie!"	"Emmanuelle at Wimbledon"	With
Action in the stands	Andre and Steffi making out	Fights break out between every Russian who has ever played in the NHL	With
Love	A tie score	What's got a hold of you	With
Toweling off	Them	You	Without
Foot fault	Loss of serve	Why can't she play in high heels?	With
Musings	Maybe she's using the free time to shoot a calendar.	Maybe they'll run that commercial where she gives those dudes a BMW.	Push
Pouty	You	Her	With
Trash Talk	Hearing yourself call the gal who eliminated her "a minion of Satan"	Hearing her call her opponent "a cow" in broken English	With
Net ball	A lame first serve	A chance to watch her bend over and pick it up	With
What you find yourself scribbling on a notepad	"Note to self: remember to stab eyes out."	"Mr. Anna Kournikova ..."	Push. Nobody wins with random doodles, kids.

So, there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In the hair-pulling catfight of your dreams, the advantage goes to the French Open ... with Anna.

But then again, 12 network executives and a monkey could have told you that. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.