By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

With one shared championship and a horizon that looks like dynasty, Kobe and Shaq have chosen to sip from a timeless Hollywood cocktail: Take two parts talent, sprinkle liberally with success, shake ... then wait for implosion.

The ugliness may not have reached Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry proportions, but when it does, don't look for Phil Jax to borrow a page from Jeff Van Gundy's playbook and use his face as a peace offering.

That would be too easy.

No, these two will have to work it out together. But what are we really looking at here -- David vs. Goliath? Ball Hog vs. the Rim Reaper? Cute as a Backstreet Boy vs. Huge as John Popper? Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal: Their union may have less future than a horny couple on "Temptation Island." But let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.

Shaq vs. Kobe Tale of the Tape
Category	Shaq	Kobe	Advantage
Motto	Size matters ...	It's my world, and you're living it it...however marginally.	Shaq
Acid test	Send him to the charity stripe	Force him to walk by a mirror without looking.	Push
Choices that make us shake our heads in disbelief	His movies	His engagement	Shaq. Hey, when a movie's over, at least you get to keep your house.
Why they need each other	Can't score if Kobe won't feed him the rock.	Can't breath if Shaq sits on his chest.	Shaq
Big names they've been linked to	Aristotle	Brandy	Shaq -- although Brandy had a better year
Requests	Trade me	Trade him	Push -- even Kazaam wouldn't grant that wish.
You could park	Your car in his shoe	Montana in his ego	Shaq
Phil Jackson's Indian nicknames for them	Big Dunking Bear	Little Shoots too Much	Shaq
How to defense them	Hack-a-Shaq	Make-him-pass	Push
Ironic twists	Is starting to miss Penny Hardaway	Is starting to miss Brandy
Named after	An Irish shanty	The world's most expensive steak	Kobe
At their worst	Makes Manute Bol look dimensional	Makes Dominique Wilkins look like a team player	Push
Raised by	A drill sergeant	A Jellybean	Shaq
Too ...	Immature to admit Kobe's a star	Young to know good things don't last	Push
What they think when they see stars courtside at Staples	Co-star	Prom date	Kobe

So there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a sentimental call, the advantage goes to Shaq. But hang in there, Kobe, it's probably the last time anyone will pick against you for a long, long time.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.